Monday, May 17, 2021
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Back Page: Outer Banks Edition

  • Erin Duane ’20 and Bennett Kruse ’21

When the only two Backpage writers, Erin and Bennett, sat down at our 11am zoom call Wednesday morning, both of us refused to talk about quarantine again. We’re sick of it. We’re bored of it. We just want to talk about Outer Banks and why we are literally both obsessed, so here you go:

p.s. This will not contain spoilers but also just watch the freaking show plz

Something Isn’t Making Sense

Why are all of the actors so old??? Literally no 16 years olds look like that. The actor who plays John B is 27, which is just ridiculous and annoying because they are just making high schoolers think they might find their own Sarah or John B, but no. Because the actors are all adults.

Why in the world are all of their names so ridiculous? Ok, so we have Pope who is a Pogue…like they really couldn’t have made that more confusing. And then we have Topper and Rafe. Those are literally not names and I am so confused about why they would name the characters that. I guess they are pretty douchey sounding tho. Wheezie…are you kidding me? Is that her real name or is she just a particularly annoying breather?? Finally, why does John B need to have the B. I mean I get that his dad’s name is also John, but his dad isn’t even in the show. They literally call him John B even in the most stressful of situations. WHY? Also, side note, why is John B’s dad’s name Big John? 

Why is everyone always fighting? I have literally never seen someone get in that intense of a fistfight, let alone every other day. They are constantly tussling and there are also some  pretty casual almost murders. Topper almost drowns John B and everyone acts like it’s just dandy. Please let me know if beating people up with golf clubs is something that people just do on a casual Friday. Also, could JJ maybe not act so nonchalant about carrying a gun everywhere? K. Thx.

Okay…so Sarah is a beloved character and is honestly a beachwear fashion icon, but some stuff about her just doesn’t line up. We learn early on in the show that she has a habit of cheating on her boyfriends…and then she does it again. I mean obviously she wasn’t going to stay with Topper, but that is just plain rude. 

Who uses the word macking. Kiara, please stop.

Don’t even get me started on Kooks and Pogues. You have to be kidding me.

The actor who plays Topper was on Disney Channel and now he is doing coke in the Outer Banks?…I am confusion. 

How to Dress like OBX…specifically John B….because who wouldn’t want to be him…

  1. Apply self-tanner until you think that you are tanned to the gods, and then keep applying self-tanner
  2. Have a black eye or a cut lip (not optional)
  3. Wear a Duvin Hawaiian shirt (this is literally the only brand that they wear)
  4. Only use the bottom button because apparently they are too busy to button any more of them (this step is optional. Shirts are not necessary)
  5. Tie a bandana around your neck…not sure why…but just do it
  6. Your hair better be super salty looking, but also super smooth and clean looking. Also, if you want to wear a hat, don’t even dare wear it any other way than backwards.
  7. Be like kind of messy and dirty, but not in a gross way

Irrelevant Opinion: Reason Why I Would Die For John B

  1. He doesn’t sit inside and play videogames all-day
  2. Not only is he extremely determined, kind-hearted, and has insane abs, but he is also respectful of women. John B definitely doesn’t bark at girls in the cafeteria
  3. He apologized to Kiara when he violates her personal space and he doesn’t shame Sarah for wanting to take things slowly.
  4. He surfs, which means there is no way he gives his jersey to freshman girls
  5. Vlad isn’t ashamed of being stylish…he’d never wear basketball shorts
  6. He isn’t afraid of commitment, in fact, he wants commitment…wow, that doesn’t sound familiar
  7. He shows and tells girls how he feels. John B doesn’t act like he’s above having emotions. He feels them. Kinda. His acting needs some work.
  8. He doesn’t have internet, meaning he doesn’t ODR
  9. He is there for his friends even when he is going through a tough time
  10. Because I bought a shirt that says “I Would Die For John B” and I ain’t no liar

In conclusion, we know that writing 4 articles entirely about Outer Banks is insane, but we both would not want to be putting time and energy talking about anything else.

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